Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.