I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.