I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.