I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If snakes were wide
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.