I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.