I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
💀
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”