I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.