I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
You Might Also Like
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
dogs can find happiness so easily
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.