I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

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ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.


Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect


Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?


Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.


“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression


flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.



me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly


Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald


I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.