@PAT_E_ROCK

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

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@michaelajeffery

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

@Tresca69

Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect

@ThugRaccoons

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@peteholmes

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

@omarIoya

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@ADHDeanASL

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

@iresurfaced

I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.