ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope
And the cops always come sooner then you expect
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.