Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.