I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
See..?
.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.