I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You Might Also Like
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.