I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You Might Also Like
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.