I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Kids, do not try this at home!
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked