Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

This might be me.
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow