I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
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On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Spotted in New Orleans.
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!