I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
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My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work