Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.