I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*