I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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Good morning
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
