Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

incredible

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though