I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it