Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

weaknesses

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

shazam but for random noises outside