Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂