I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.