I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it