Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?