I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area