I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!