*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
When I leave the gym, I feel sculpted like the great greek god Hippopotames
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
my father died in a conga line and so shall i