Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

My five year plan is a meteorite

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda