Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting