Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Great Canadian literature.

my mom making me talk to relatives

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.