I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.