Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Thank you 🥹

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Hello Twits.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

🤣

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.