Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Every work call, he judges.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home