I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
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john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.