Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Eating for two.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze