I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!