Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

☠️ ☠️

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.