Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up