I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
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If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Ovenable?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
awkward
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.