Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

This will never not be funny 😭

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.