I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You Might Also Like
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
The answer is funnier than the question
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.