I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
