I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

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voldemort: harry potter the boy who lived come to die

harry: asphinctersayswhat

voldemort: what

harry: *looking at imaginary camera* exactly

voldemort: who…who are you talking to


*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*


The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.


When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.



“have a police dog?”


“only the dog can come in”


“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true


I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.


Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that


*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight*

Wife: Can you imagine being that strong?

Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.