Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.