I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?