@michimama75

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

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@BoutCrazed

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

@bobvulfov

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

@skittle624

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

@jellybnbonanza

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

@aJasonWeight

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat