I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
We cut our bangs at dawn.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here