Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.