I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
☠️ ☠️
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.