Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

me hitting on a model

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me