I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
You Might Also Like
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.