I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
#catsoftwitter
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Ummm
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.