Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

And then there were 4

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.