I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’