I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
You Might Also Like
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Hank is one in a melon.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”