Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.