I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.