Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws