Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.