I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.