I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
How to properly lift a body
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.