Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

somewhere, in an alternate universe

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*