Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

motivation

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that