i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
I stand by it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt