Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Happy birthday to all the women

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is