I just stopped by to water my horse.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners