I just stopped by to water my horse.
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested