I just stopped by to water my horse.
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus