I just stopped by to water my horse.
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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away