I just stopped by to water my horse.
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I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.