Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.