I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
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Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
But that’s none of my business
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Get in loser we’re going crying
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My favorite type of men is ramen.