I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!