I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy