Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

[montage of me giving-up]

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me