I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*