Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

You can’t outrun your problems…

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.